Killing for Mercy

With every breeze i feel in my skin, as i inhale the scent of the roses, as i feel the peace in the place, i think, maybe she’s happy. I looked up and saw the sky, overcast in the east, but there is a big possibility it will not rain hard tonight. I do not wish Emily’s flowers to be destroyed by the raindrops, i do not want her epitaph to be filled with mud. The carpet grass has not really grown yet, and she once told me, “The epitaph will be my face when i die, the eyes of my death. i wish it to stay cheerful and determined till the end of time…”

I remember Emily, her face seems tired and weak, but she will always manage to smile. In her last days, she asked the calendar to be removed in her room, she told me that she didn’t want to notice time and for once stop being occupied with thoughts. Whenever i cry beside her, she would tell me, “Don’t be lonely, the angels will take care of me, and we will all be resilient in the heavens of peace and serenity.”

I know that the “peace and serenity” she’s talking about is the memorial park. Now that i am here, those words about peace and serenity felt stronger two years after i heard it.

Emily died almost a month after she’s totally unable to communicate with us. As i try to put the memory back, my mind raced in time as i reckon that scene in St. Lukes which opened us to reality.

“I’m sorry ma’am. The treatment doesn’t seem to do any better,” the doctor went, contradicting Emily’s daily statements that she feels stronger within everyday, “and as we continue this, her body just becomes more pained. We can make the certificate as soon as you are rea–”
“NO!!” mother shouted, as reality now breaks in. “We will not stop, we will not give up! We’re NOT cutting off her oxygen…” mom trailed off, for she broke down and fainted. I myself, seemed to be surprised. Everyone who’s unprepared by that statement will lose sanity for a while. Emily had truly lost contact from us for two weeks already, and i can well remember her last statement, “Kuya, shall the angels signal you to let go of me, please…just don’t give them a hard time.”

I sighed as my eyes watered, thinking that these words are only from the mouth of an 8 yr old. Euthanasia. I know what she meant, she wants us to give up the impossible, to cut the respirator that induces life on her.

Mom’s thinking was totally bugged by the euthanasia thing, that two nights after the doctor’s confrontation passed before i got to talk to her while she’s on tranquilizers.

“Mom…i think doc’s right.” i said in a low, quite embarrassed voice.
“You’ve lost faith, Miguel?” mother seemed apathetic of me.
“Think of the price we have to pay, so we can only delay the death certificate!!” i grew furious.
“I am willing to lose all my riches for Emily…” tears filled mom’s eyes. She didn’t seem to mind my fury.
“You can spend all that we have, Mom, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO PUT EMILY BACK THE WAY SHE WAS BEFORE!” i stood up, unafraid to cry infront of her.
Mom looked at me, in my outrage and tears. “Miguel…i don’t know…” she cried, i offered her my shoulder. Losing someone is very painful, that the word painful can be quite an understatement. With Emily, i know, and i hope mom knows, we have already lost her… nothing can change that.

A week later, the decision was made. In removing her oxygen, the heartbeat will surely stop, and Emily is officially gone. Only me, Stephan (my little brother) and uncle Billy were in the room when they took off her oxygen. For the last time i got to see Emily’s face with just the way it is. Tears rolled my cheeks. Her face had grown very thin and the circles of her eyes are nearly purple. The doctor glanced to see her heartbeat, and a few seconds later, the beep, the flat line, pierced our ears.

Stephan, who’s her bestfriend, broke down and cried hard and loud. I held him, and in that moment, i felt like we are the three saddest people in earth and that room is the darkest one.

I flinched back to reality and looked at Emily’s epitaph. A sister, a daughter, an angel sent on earth. Her life was too short, and i wish the leukemia had just picked me instead of her. …lived life with cheerfulness, thankful with her gifts… The winds blew, almost sounding like chimes in my ears. My beloved Emily will always be in my heart.

As i think of her, i seem to hear the words carried by the wind, “I am here, in the arms of my angels, with peace and serenity, kuya.” I told myself, that sometimes, fighting, no matter how hard, can’t win us want we want to have, and we must give up. Let Emily go, set her free, was better than letting her be pained and lonely in the hospital bed. Now that she’s in the heavens, i know, that she’ll be up there, making prayers for me and the world she left behind.

Add a comment August 28, 2009
Tags: death, death story, dying, emily, Euthanasia, hospital scene, mercy killing, terminal illness